“There is no ‘usual’ anymore,” my neighbor divulged about her holiday gatherings. “Between parents aging, divorces, people moving, and especially the kids getting older, I never know what each holiday will bring.” We can understand intellectually how family dynamics naturally change. Yet when it’s our turn to adapt, we can find ourselves off balance, particularly when it’s our own children, now adults, shifting the norm. With their nostalgia and high expectations, the holidays can surface changes in a dramatic way. Maybe a daughter is introducing someone new you’re unsure about or a son asks to celebrate a week later to allow time out of town with in-laws. Perhaps your child comes home with different beliefs or priorities, or is not coming home at all. While family changes can certainly be welcome gifts, please know that if you are feeling disappointment, anxiety, or rejection, you are not alone. For harmony in your evolving family, the key will be to shift your focus away from “what you want to control” and instead on “who you want to be.” This inner locus of control will connect you to your inner power, which forms the basis for harmony with others. Here are three personal attributes to strengthen for holiday harmony. 1. Grounded When we are grounded, we are self-reliant. We feel mentally and emotionally stable. We bring this balanced and calm energy to our interactions, particularly important when facing changes that evoke disappointment. When we are grounded in our mind, body, and soul, we are more likely to bring a realistic, supportive, and open mind to the changing needs and desires of our adult children. Tips for Being Grounded: Instead of trying to fix or control how you’re feeling, embrace your emotions with honesty and self compassion. Don’t act on these feelings, bud do sit with them or write them down. Reach out to friends and other parents who can support and mentor you through this. Nurture that which makes you feel whole and inspired, on your own. Use centering mantras for calm and perspective, such as: Even as things are changing, we love each other and everything is going to be OK. Change is natural and my calm presence is contagious. I accept what is with an open heart and trust that all will be well. I might not receive all that I want but I am abundantly blessed. 2. Flexible We have everything to gain by being flexible in life, and certainly with adult children. Our kids simply don’t want to be close when we hold them to our tight expectations or beliefs for how they should conduct their lives. Our opinions or complaining tones can translate as criticism or that they’re falling short. Tips for Being Flexible: Schedule a pre-holiday check-in with your child(ren) to explore their expectations for the holiday gathering(s). Handle these conversations with curiosity and empathy. Ask open-ended questions like, “Tell me what will work best for you?” Resist the urge to assume or demand. Pause, breathe, relax (PBR). Let go and accept what you cannot control. Open yourself to something new and creative. Focus on the quality of your connection over the quantity. 3. Growth-minded As our children are growing and individuating, so must we. In my book, A Soulful Marriage, I emphasize how personal growth is the secret sauce to a soulful bond with someone else. This certainly holds true with our adult children. Growth requires self-awareness, self-love, self-care, and self-development. Maybe you’ve put the kids first and it’s time to expand what brings you happiness and fulfillment. Perhaps you have fears of being left behind that need addressing. Maybe your child is living with brave authenticity and you have never given yourself that same permission. Tips for Personal Growth: Be self-curious. Ask yourself: “How is this evolving family dynamic giving me an opportunity to change, learn and grow?” “What hidden blessings are being revealed?” See if any of these appear on your personal growth bucket list: Being a better listener-seeking to understand, not correct or defend. Taking steps toward personal goals and aspirations. Learning to let go and trust the process of life. Appreciating the blessings being given, instead of what’s missing. Improving self-care and living more authentically. Prioritizing other important relationships. Take Away If your adult children are presenting changes this holiday season that bring up loss or disappointment, know that you are not alone. This is a normal part of family life that many people don’t talk about. I invite you to trust the process, invest in your own growth, and focus on being who you want to be. This always leads to more love and blessings, often in surprising ways.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creating-soulful-connections/202511/3-tips-for-holiday-harmony-with-adult-children
